Why do pressure, threats, and ultimatums rarely work? About the mistakes that unconsciously hinder addiction treatment.

When someone close is struggling with addiction, the natural reaction of the family is fear, helplessness, and desperation. There is a strong urge to “shake” the person, to force treatment, to make things clear once and for all. With good intentions, words are spoken such as:

“Either you go to therapy, or you move out.”“If you don’t stop, you’ll lose your family.”“This is your last chance.”

Although the intentions are understandable, pressure, threats, and ultimatums rarely lead to lasting change. In fact, they often strengthen the mechanisms of addiction and push the person further away from treatment.
 

Why Pressure Doesn’t Work

Addiction is not a lack of willpower — it is a condition in which the mind activates powerful defense mechanisms. When a person struggling with addiction feels attacked, threatened, or cornered, their body reacts as if facing danger.

This may lead to:

• denying the problem,

• rationalizing (“others drink more than I do”),

• aggression or withdrawal,

• lies and empty promises.

In such moments, the goal is not change — it is protecting the addiction, because paradoxically, the substance still provides temporary emotional safety.
 

Ultimatums vs. Boundaries – An Important Difference

Families often confuse setting boundaries with emotional blackmail.

An ultimatum sounds like punishment:“If you don’t go to therapy, I stop loving you / helping you / being there for you.”

Boundaries sound different:“I cannot continue living like this. I need to take care of myself. If you choose not to seek treatment, I will change my behavior.”

Boundaries are not meant to force change — they protect the mental health of loved ones. Paradoxically, they are far more likely to encourage reflection in the person struggling with addiction.
 

Why Threats Increase Resistance

Pressure:

• deepens shame and guilt,

• reinforces thoughts like “I’m hopeless anyway,”

• increases the risk of using substances as escape,

• damages trust and connection.

Instead of confronting addiction, the person begins fighting the family. And without relationship, treatment loses one of its most important foundations.
 

What to Do Instead of Applying Pressure

Instead of threats and control, it is more effective to:

• speak about your own feelings rather than blaming,

• describe facts without judgment,

• invite conversation rather than provoke defense,

• offer help rather than impose control.

Sometimes the greatest support is calm, consistent presence — and readiness to help when even a small sign of treatment readiness appears.
 

Readiness for Therapy Is a Process

Many families wait for the moment when the addicted person “finally wants help.” In reality, readiness rarely appears suddenly. It is often the result of:

• exhaustion from addiction,

• loss of control,

• a safe environment where vulnerability is possible.

Pressure closes that space. Understanding and clear boundaries help open it.
 

When to Seek Professional Support

If conversations at home repeatedly turn into conflict and emotions escalate, it may be time to seek professional guidance. Therapy — including residential treatment — supports not only the person struggling with addiction, but also the family, which is often equally exhausted.

Addiction does not disappear under fear.

Change begins where safety, understanding, and real support exist.

Monar w Kęblinach pod Łodzią.