“I Don’t Know How to Be Close Without Pulling Away” – Why Is It So Difficult to Build a Healthy Relationship After Addiction?

Sometimes a person stops using substances. They begin treatment. They learn how to recognise cravings, avoid high-risk situations, identify emotions and take responsibility for their choices.

And then something appears that, on the surface, should be easier than dealing with addiction.

Closeness.

Someone wants to stay. They ask what is going on. They want to talk. They show care. They begin to trust.

And that can be exactly when fear appears.

Not always as obvious fear. Sometimes it looks like emotional distance. Sometimes like anger. At other times, it may take the form of suddenly withdrawing, ending contact or thinking:

“I’d rather leave first, before they leave me.”

Why can a healthy relationship be so difficult after addiction?

Because becoming abstinent does not automatically mean that a person immediately knows how to be emotionally close to someone.

Addiction often develops alongside avoidance

A substance can serve many different functions over the years.

It may help a person avoid tension.

It may suppress anxiety.

It may provide temporary relief from shame.

It may create a short-lived sense of confidence.

It may make social contact easier — or, conversely, make it easier to escape from other people altogether.

This means that when someone stops using alcohol or drugs, they are not only giving up the substance itself.

They may also be losing the method they relied on for years to regulate their emotions.

And that is when an apparently simple question such as:

“Tell me what you really feel.”

can become far more difficult than it sounds.

Closeness means allowing yourself to be seen

A healthy relationship requires something that many people may have spent years trying to avoid:

being seen as they really are.

Not only when things are going well.

But also when they feel frightened, jealous, ashamed, guilty, helpless or in need of support.

For someone who has spent a long time hiding an addiction or concealing the consequences of their behaviour, this kind of openness can feel extremely threatening.

The thought may be:

“If they really knew what I was like, they would not want to be with me.”

As a result, a person can begin doing something that appears contradictory.

They may desperately need connection while at the same time trying to escape from it.

“I want closeness, but when someone gets close, I pull away”

This experience can take many different forms.

Someone begins avoiding conversations.

They stop answering the phone.

They ignore messages.

They become cold or distant.

They provoke arguments.

They look for reasons to end the relationship.

Or they suddenly begin focusing almost entirely on the other person’s faults.

This does not necessarily mean that the relationship itself is unhealthy.

Sometimes it simply means:

“This level of closeness is beginning to frighten me.”

Because when a relationship becomes important, the possibility of losing it becomes important too.

For someone who has repeatedly experienced rejection, disappointment or instability in relationships, that can create very intense emotional pressure.

Shame can become one of the greatest barriers to intimacy

Addiction can leave a great deal of shame behind.

Guilt tends to say:

“I did something wrong.”

Shame often says:

“There is something wrong with me.”

That distinction matters.

A person may think:

“If she really knew me, she would leave.”

“I do not deserve a normal relationship.”

“Sooner or later I will ruin everything.”

“It is safer to keep people at a distance.”

If beliefs like these remain unexamined, they can influence every relationship that follows.

Trust has to work in both directions

A great deal is rightly said about the fact that families often have to relearn how to trust a person who previously lied, concealed their behaviour or repeatedly broke promises.

But there is another side to this.

A person recovering from addiction may also find it extremely difficult to trust other people.

They may constantly wonder:

“Will they leave me?”

“Are they telling the truth?”

“Are they going to hurt me?”

“Can I afford to show weakness?”

The relationship can then begin to feel like a continuous test.

A partner is checked.

Words are analysed.

A few hours without a message may trigger intense anxiety.

A relatively minor disagreement may be interpreted as a sign that abandonment is imminent.

Sometimes there are only two modes: “everything” or “nothing”

Healthy relationships require space.

Both people have their own needs, boundaries, responsibilities, friends and time to themselves.

For some people recovering from addiction, finding this balance can be difficult.

They may move between extremes:

complete emotional dependence or complete withdrawal.

“If you love me, you should always be there.”

And shortly afterwards:

“I do not need anyone.”

Healthy closeness, however, does not mean merging two people into one.

Nor does it mean emotional isolation.

It means being connected while still respecting each person’s individuality and boundaries.

A relationship cannot replace therapy

This is particularly important.

A new partner can provide a powerful sense of safety.

They can offer encouragement.

They can listen.

They can make difficult days easier to manage.

But they should not become the only means by which a person regulates their emotions.

If someone begins thinking:

“As long as she is with me, everything will be all right,”

their entire sense of stability may begin to depend on one individual.

In that situation, even an ordinary disagreement can trigger a major emotional crisis.

Recovery also involves learning to draw support from several different sources:

therapy,

peer support,

family or trusted people,

daily routines,

and personal strategies for managing emotions.

A partner can be an important part of life.

They should not have to become its only foundation.

“I’m sober now, so I should already know how to have a normal relationship”

That can be an extremely harsh expectation to place on yourself.

A person may have been abstinent for several months while only just beginning to learn:

how to talk about emotions,

how to apologise,

how to set boundaries,

how to tolerate being told “no”,

how not to walk away whenever conflict appears,

how to accept criticism without immediately becoming defensive,

how not to manipulate,

how not to control the other person,

how to communicate needs directly.

These skills do not necessarily appear automatically when substance use stops.

They often have to be learned.

Conflict does not mean the relationship is over

For many people, one of the most important discoveries is that disagreement does not automatically mean rejection.

You can argue with someone and remain in the relationship.

You can become frustrated.

You can need some time alone.

You can disagree.

You can say:

“I see this differently.”

And none of those things has to mean abandonment.

If previous relationships were chaotic or unstable, even minor tension may activate intense fear.

An important part of recovery can therefore be learning:

“I do not have to run every time something becomes difficult.”

Why might someone sabotage a good relationship?

This can be one of the most painful questions.

A person finally meets someone who respects them.

There are no constant arguments.

No manipulation.

No chaos.

There is calm.

And yet something begins to feel wrong.

Why?

Because what is healthy does not always feel familiar.

If a person has spent years surrounded by crisis, emotional volatility or unpredictable relationships, peace can initially feel strange.

It can even feel boring.

As a result, someone may unconsciously recreate the chaos they already know.

They provoke conflict.

They withdraw.

They test how much the other person will tolerate.

They become suspicious.

Or they begin looking for a reason to leave.

Not because they want to suffer.

But because familiar patterns can feel more predictable than healthy intimacy.

A healthy relationship is not about “saving” someone

This also applies to the partner of a person recovering from addiction.

Love alone does not treat addiction.

A partner is not a therapist.

They should not be expected to carry responsibility for another person’s abstinence.

Nor should they feel compelled to check phones, monitor every outing or try to anticipate every possible risk.

Such behaviour may come from fear.

But healthy relationships require responsibility on both sides.

One person can support.

The other still has to do their own work in recovery.

What helps rebuild closeness after addiction?

Usually, it is not dramatic declarations.

More often, it is small, consistent behaviours.

Telling the truth even when it is uncomfortable.

Keeping a small promise.

Saying:

“I don’t know what I’m feeling right now.”

Saying:

“I need some space, but I’m not avoiding this conversation.”

Learning to apologise without immediately adding “but”.

Respecting another person’s boundary.

Returning to a difficult conversation after an argument.

These are the small experiences through which emotional safety is built.

Not through one life-changing conversation.

But through hundreds of moments in which a person gradually learns:

“I can be myself without having to disappear.”

Therapy can be the first place where a person practises healthier relationships

Addiction treatment is not only about substance use.

It is also about how a person functions in relationships.

How they respond to criticism.

How they cope with rejection.

How they communicate their needs.

How they respond to boundaries.

What happens when someone disagrees with them.

In group therapy, many of these processes happen in real time.

They are not merely discussed in theory.

A person can notice their own reactions.

They can receive feedback.

They can experiment with responding differently.

That is why relationships formed within therapy can become an important environment for learning new ways of relating to others.

You do not have to know how to be close straight away

One of the most unrealistic expectations would be to assume that once substance use stops, a person should immediately become an ideal partner, parent or friend.

Recovery is a process.

So is rebuilding relationships.

Sometimes the first success is not a great romantic breakthrough.

It is being able to say:

“I’m afraid you’re going to leave me.”

instead of disappearing for several days.

Sometimes success is saying:

“I’m angry, but I want to talk about it.”

instead of ending the relationship.

And sometimes it is simply saying:

“I need help.”

instead of returning to an old way of coping.

Closeness can also be part of recovery

Addiction often narrows a person’s world.

To the substance.

To obtaining it.

To hiding the problem.

To surviving the next day.

Recovery gradually expands that world again.

Interests return.

Plans return.

Responsibility returns.

And people return.

But genuine closeness requires something that cannot be rebuilt instantly.

Trust.

Trust in another person.

And trust in yourself.

That is why someone recovering from addiction may, for a time, both deeply need a relationship and feel deeply afraid of it.

It does not necessarily mean that they are incapable of love.

It may mean that they are only now learning something they never previously had the opportunity to learn in a safe and stable way.

At that point, the question begins to change.

Instead of asking:

“Why do I keep running away?”

it becomes:

“What is happening inside me at the moment I feel the need to run?”

And that is often where real change begins.

At the MONAR Centre in Kębliny, treatment is not limited to stopping substance use. An important part of recovery is learning to recognise emotions, understand behavioural patterns and examine the ways in which relationships with other people are formed and maintained.

Because life beyond addiction is not simply a life without drugs.

It is also the process of learning how to remain close to another person without having to run away from yourself.