“I Don’t Deserve a Second Chance” – Why Do People Recovering from Addiction Sometimes Deny Themselves the Right to a Better Life?

It is possible to stop using drugs, begin treatment, rebuild relationships and gradually regain control over your life, yet still carry a deeply rooted belief that you no longer deserve anything good. For some people recovering from addiction, one of the greatest obstacles is not simply the craving for substances, but the way they have come to see themselves. Where does the belief that the past has permanently destroyed the future come from? How does it affect recovery, and what can help someone rediscover their sense of self-worth?

When Believing in Yourself Becomes Harder Than Believing in Others

Imagine someone who begins treatment after many years of addiction. For the first time in a long while, they get up at a regular time, attend therapy sessions, take responsibility for everyday tasks and begin to recognise that life without drugs is possible.

Their therapist notices their progress. Family members cautiously begin to feel hopeful. The first plans for the future start to emerge.

Yet one thought keeps returning:

“It doesn't matter how much I achieve now. I'll always be the person who ruined everything.”

When someone offers help, they refuse it. When they receive praise, they dismiss their achievements. When an opportunity arises to rebuild a relationship or start a job, they withdraw before even trying.

From the outside, this may look like a lack of motivation, resistance to change or a failure to appreciate the opportunity they have been given.

In reality, such behaviour may reflect a much more complex psychological process: a deeply ingrained belief that they are worthless and do not deserve a better life.

Not everyone who has experienced addiction develops these beliefs. However, when they do occur, they can significantly interfere with accepting support, developing relationships and taking further steps towards recovery.

1. “I Did Something Wrong” Versus “I Am a Bad Person” – A Distinction That Changes Everything

One of the fundamental distinctions in the psychology of addiction is the difference between guilt and shame.

Although these emotions often occur together, they can lead to very different responses.

Guilt primarily concerns a particular action or behaviour.

Someone may think:

“I hurt my family. I let down people who trusted me. I want to put right whatever I still can.”

When it does not become overwhelming, guilt can encourage reflection, personal responsibility and attempts to make amends.

Shame, however, often involves a much broader judgement of oneself.

“I didn't just do something bad. I am a bad person. I'm inferior to other people. Nobody should expect anything good from me.”

In the second situation, the individual is no longer simply evaluating their previous decisions. They begin to define their entire identity through the experience of addiction.

This distinction is crucial.

Someone who believes they have made mistakes may be willing to put things right. Someone who believes they are fundamentally and irreversibly flawed may struggle to see any purpose in trying.

An important aspect of therapeutic work is therefore helping people distinguish between taking responsibility for their behaviour and judging their entire worth as a human being.

Taking responsibility for your actions does not require believing that you are worthless.

2. How Can Addiction Damage a Person’s Self-Image?

Low self-esteem is not always a consequence of addiction. For some individuals, difficulties with self-worth existed long before substance use became problematic and may have coexisted with factors that increased their vulnerability to addiction.

Nevertheless, prolonged addiction can further reinforce a negative self-image.

There are several reasons for this.

Repeated Experiences of Losing Control

A person experiencing addiction may repeatedly promise themselves that they will stop taking substances, reduce their use or change their life.

When successive attempts prove unsuccessful, they may begin interpreting these difficulties not as symptoms of a condition requiring treatment, but as evidence of personal weakness.

Thoughts such as the following may emerge:

“If I've tried so many times and still couldn't stop, perhaps I'm incapable of doing anything properly.”

In this way, experiences associated with addiction begin to influence how someone evaluates their abilities in other areas of life.

The Consequences of Past Behaviour

Addiction can lead to significant losses, including family conflict, financial difficulties, unemployment, neglected responsibilities and the breakdown of important relationships.

Some consequences cannot be quickly reversed. Others may remain for years.

When someone begins measuring their worth solely against these losses, it becomes increasingly difficult to recognise the possibility of change.

Negative Reactions from Other People

People who have experienced addiction may encounter judgement, rejection and labelling.

Statements such as “he'll never amount to anything” or “once an addict, always an addict” can be particularly damaging to someone who already struggles to accept their past.

This does not mean every negative response automatically leads to internalised shame. However, prolonged exposure to stigmatisation can encourage people to adopt harmful beliefs about themselves as though they were objective truths.

3. Internalised Stigma – When Someone Begins to Believe the Worst Things Said About Them

In psychology, this phenomenon is known as internalised stigma, sometimes called self-stigma.

It occurs when individuals absorb negative stereotypes associated with a particular group and apply those stereotypes to themselves.

A person with a history of addiction may stop thinking:

“Some people believe individuals with addictions are irresponsible.”

Instead, they begin thinking:

“I am irresponsible, and I always will be.”

This is more than a problem involving distressing thoughts.

A systematic review published in 2024 in the Journal of Substance Use and Addiction Treatment examined interventions designed to reduce internalised stigma among people who use drugs. Research in this area indicates that self-stigma can create barriers to treatment engagement and help-seeking. The review identified promising interventions while emphasising the need for further research.

In everyday life, internalised stigma may be expressed through beliefs such as:

• “I'm not worth anyone's time or effort.”

• “Even if I change, people will only ever see my past.”

• “Other people deserve happiness. I've wasted my opportunity.”

• “There's no point trying, because another failure will only prove what kind of person I am.”

The problem is that such beliefs can influence real decisions.

Someone may withdraw from therapy, avoid applying for a job, distance themselves from potential relationships or reject support despite having a genuine opportunity to benefit from it.

In this way, a negative self-image can begin restricting the very opportunities that might help someone change.

4. Why Might Someone Reject the Support They Desperately Need?

One of the more difficult behaviours for others to understand is when someone rejects help despite expressing a genuine desire to improve their life.

Consider the following situation.

A person who has completed treatment receives a job offer. The work suits their abilities, and the employer is willing to give them an opportunity.

Initially, they feel pleased and hopeful. Yet a few days later, they withdraw.

They claim the job was unsuitable or that there is no point in trying.

There may be numerous reasons behind such a decision, including anxiety about responsibilities, lack of readiness, health difficulties, emotional overload or genuine practical obstacles.

Sometimes, however, the underlying thought is:

“What if I let everyone down again? It's better to walk away now than wait until they discover they can't rely on me.”

Psychologically, this may represent a form of avoidance driven by an intense fear of failure, rejection or judgement.

Withdrawal produces temporary relief because the person no longer has to confront the challenging situation.

At the same time, they lose the opportunity to gain new experiences that could challenge their negative beliefs.

A self-reinforcing cycle develops:

Low self-confidence → fear of failure → avoidance → lack of new experiences → further loss of confidence.

Breaking this cycle can become an important part of therapeutic work.

5. “I Don't Want to Hurt Anyone Again” – When Responsibility Turns into Isolation

Some people recovering from addiction begin limiting contact with others.

This is not always because they no longer need emotional closeness.

Sometimes the opposite is true: they desperately want meaningful relationships but fear disappointing or hurting someone again.

They may think:

“My family has been through so much because of me. They're better off without me.”

“I shouldn't start a relationship because I'm not the sort of person anyone should be with.”

“I don't deserve the friendship of people who have their lives together.”

In such situations, it is important to distinguish between two very different things.

The first is respecting other people's boundaries. Family members and loved ones have the right to need distance, time and emotional safety. Forgiveness and restored trust cannot be demanded.

The second is believing that past experiences mean someone must permanently give up the possibility of meaningful relationships.

These are not the same.

Recovery does not entitle anyone to insist upon emotional closeness, but neither does it require lifelong isolation.

An important objective may be learning to build relationships based on honesty, responsibility, mutual respect and realistic expectations.

6. Can Feelings of Worthlessness Increase the Risk of Relapse?

A negative self-image does not automatically mean that someone will return to substance use.

Relapse is a complex, multifactorial process. Relevant factors may include cravings, contact with previous social environments, stress, mental health, co-occurring conditions, available support and the course of treatment.

However, profound shame, hopelessness and internalised stigma may create additional psychological burdens.

If someone believes they will never be capable of building a worthwhile life, their motivation to seek or continue support may weaken.

One particularly harmful belief is:

“I've failed once, so everything is ruined.”

For example, someone who uses a substance again after a period of abstinence may interpret the event as evidence that all their previous progress has been lost.

Rather than telling their therapist and promptly taking steps to reduce further harm, they may conceal what happened, withdraw from others or abandon treatment altogether.

This is why developing the ability to assess setbacks realistically is so important during recovery.

A setback requires a response, reflection and responsibility. It does not necessarily mean that all previous efforts have been worthless.

7. How Can Therapy Help Rebuild a Sense of Self-Worth?

Rebuilding self-worth is not simply a matter of repeating positive statements about oneself.

For someone who has experienced years of disappointment and failure, reassurance such as “you are a valuable person” may be difficult to accept unless it is accompanied by meaningful changes in everyday life.

Therapeutic work may therefore address several interconnected areas.

Identifying Deeply Rooted Beliefs

Cognitive behavioural approaches frequently involve identifying automatic thoughts and underlying beliefs that influence emotions and behaviour.

One example might be:

“If I make a mistake, it means I'm worthless.”

During therapy, the person can explore where this belief originated, what appears to support it and whether there are more realistic ways of understanding their experiences.

The aim is not to deny the past but to challenge excessive and damaging generalisations.

Learning Responsibility Without Self-Condemnation

Someone recovering from addiction may need to confront the consequences of previous decisions.

This might involve acknowledging harm, addressing financial obligations, having difficult conversations or making amends where appropriate and possible.

However, responsibility does not have to involve continually punishing oneself.

The aim is to develop an attitude such as:

“I cannot change everything I have done, but I can take responsibility for my decisions now and in the future.”

Developing New Experiences of Personal Agency

Self-worth can gradually improve when individuals experience the practical results of their own actions.

These do not need to be major achievements.

For one person, progress may involve attending therapy regularly. For another, it may mean completing an assigned task, keeping an agreement or managing a difficult conversation honestly.

Over time, such experiences can strengthen a sense of personal agency: the belief that one's actions matter and can influence outcomes.

Developing a More Compassionate Relationship with Yourself

Some therapeutic approaches also incorporate elements of self-compassion and acceptance.

This does not mean excusing harmful behaviour.

Rather, it involves learning to treat oneself with the same basic dignity and humanity that should be extended to other people experiencing suffering or difficulty.

It is possible to acknowledge mistakes, accept their consequences and still recognise one's right to treatment, support and change.

8. Why Can Everyday Responsibilities Help Restore Self-Worth?

In residential addiction treatment, therapeutic progress may be supported not only by formal sessions but also by the structure of everyday life.

Regular routines, cooperation, shared responsibilities and participation in a therapeutic community can create opportunities to develop abilities that may have become weakened during addiction.

Gradually, someone may discover that:

• They can keep commitments.

• Other people can rely on them.

• They can manage disagreements without using substances.

• Their contribution matters to others.

• They can make a mistake, acknowledge it and try to put things right.

Experiencing responsibility for small, specific tasks can be particularly meaningful.

Someone who has long believed they have nothing useful to offer may gradually recognise that their presence and actions can have a positive effect on the people around them.

These experiences do not replace professional psychological treatment, but they can support its objectives.

The United States Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) describes four important dimensions of recovery: health, home, purpose and community.

This framework highlights that recovery involves much more than simply stopping substance use.

9. What Can Families Do When Someone Believes They Do Not Deserve a Second Chance?

Families are often in a difficult position.

On the one hand, they want to support someone who is seeking treatment. On the other, they may still experience anger, mistrust, disappointment and anxiety about another crisis.

These feelings do not need to be ignored or concealed.

However, it can be helpful to distinguish between evaluating someone's specific behaviour and judging their entire character.

Instead of saying:

“You always ruin everything. You'll never change.”

A family member might say:

“What happened hurt me deeply. I still need time, but I can see that you're taking concrete steps to change things.”

Instead of:

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Other people have it worse.”

It may be more constructive to say:

“I can see that you're finding it difficult to believe in yourself. You don't have to prove everything at once. What's important is that you continue accepting support and taking the next steps.”

It is also helpful to acknowledge genuine progress without exaggerated praise or promises that cannot be kept.

At the same time, supporting someone does not mean taking responsibility for their treatment, paying off every debt or abandoning personal boundaries.

It is possible to recognise someone's potential for change while still acknowledging the need to rebuild safety and trust.

10. Five Small Steps Towards Reclaiming Your Future

Someone who struggles with the belief that they do not deserve a better life does not need to begin with dramatic resolutions.

Small, consistent actions may be more helpful.

Step One: Learn to Distinguish Facts from Judgements

The statement “I lost my job because of my substance use” describes a specific event.

The statement “I'm someone who is incapable of doing anything worthwhile” is a sweeping personal judgement.

It should not automatically be accepted as fact.

Step Two: Recognise Your Actions, Not Only Their Outcomes

Attending therapy, having an honest conversation, completing a responsibility or asking for support can all represent meaningful stages of change, even when life remains difficult.

Step Three: Talk About the Beliefs That Cause You Shame

Thoughts about worthlessness deserve attention during conversations with a therapist or another suitably qualified professional.

Keeping these beliefs hidden can make it more difficult to identify the challenges someone is genuinely experiencing.

Step Four: Accept Help Without Seeing It as Weakness

Receiving treatment, social support or assistance from loved ones does not mean someone is less valuable or incapable of becoming independent.

Step Five: Build Your Future Through Your Present Decisions

The past matters and may involve lasting consequences.

However, it is not the only factor determining what someone can achieve in the future.

These steps are not substitutes for individualised therapy. They can nevertheless provide a starting point for working towards a healthier relationship with oneself.

11. What If Feelings of Worthlessness Do Not Improve?

Not every experience of profound guilt, shame or hopelessness can be explained solely by addiction.

Some individuals may also experience depression, anxiety disorders, the consequences of previous trauma or other mental health conditions.

It is therefore particularly important not to dismiss situations in which someone persistently:

• Regards themselves as worthless.

• Loses interest in activities that previously mattered to them.

• Withdraws from social relationships.

• Experiences significant difficulties with sleep, energy or everyday functioning.

• Believes that their future has no meaning.

Such symptoms warrant an individual assessment by an appropriately qualified professional. They should not automatically be dismissed as an ordinary phase of recovery.

Statements suggesting suicidal thoughts or an intention to self-harm require particular attention and prompt intervention. Where there is an immediate threat to life, emergency assistance should be sought.

Recognising additional mental health difficulties does not mean addiction treatment has failed. It may be an essential step towards ensuring that treatment is appropriate to the individual's needs.

12. A Second Chance Does Not Mean Erasing the Past

One further point deserves clarification.

The phrase “everyone deserves a second chance” is sometimes interpreted as though starting treatment automatically cancels out the harm caused in the past.

That is not the case.

Someone may begin therapy while continuing to face the consequences of previous decisions.

Loved ones may need time. Some relationships may never be restored. Certain losses may be impossible to reverse.

Recovery does not mean demanding that other people immediately forget what happened.

It involves learning to live with the past, accepting responsibility and gradually making healthier decisions.

A second chance does not necessarily mean returning to the life someone had before.

Sometimes it means creating an entirely different life, based on new values, relationships and ways of responding to difficulties.

13. “I Am More Than the Sum of My Worst Decisions”

An important aspect of recovery involves gradually changing the way someone understands and describes their own life story.

For a long time, that story may revolve almost entirely around loss, mistakes and disappointment.

“I destroyed everything.”

“I let everyone down.”

“I'm someone who cannot be trusted.”

These experiences do not need to be denied. However, they do not have to constitute the entire narrative.

Over time, new facts can become part of that story:

“I made the decision to seek help.”

“I'm learning to take responsibility for my life.”

“Despite the difficulties, I'm continuing to work towards change.”

“I cannot put everything right, but I can begin behaving differently.”

This is not artificial positive thinking.

It is an attempt to understand one's life more fully and accurately.

Contemporary recovery-oriented approaches emphasise hope, personal agency, dignity and individual pathways towards improved wellbeing.

Within these approaches, a person is not defined exclusively by their diagnosis or previous difficulties.

14. Recovering from Addiction Also Means Rebuilding Self-Respect

Addiction treatment rightly places considerable emphasis on abstinence, relapse prevention, recognising triggers and developing strategies for managing cravings.

These are essential aspects of treatment.

However, sustained recovery also involves rebuilding other areas of functioning, including relationships, responsibility, a sense of personal agency and the ability to make independent decisions.

For someone who has spent many years believing they are a failure, accepting the possibility of a worthwhile future can be extremely difficult.

They do not have to believe in their abilities immediately.

Sometimes it is enough to remain willing to act despite uncertainty, accept support and begin examining whether their negative beliefs really reflect the whole truth.

Over time, new experiences may gradually change a deeply established self-image.

A person does not necessarily have to feel worthy before they can begin taking worthwhile actions. Sometimes it is through those actions that they gradually learn to recognise their own worth again.

You Do Not Have to Earn the Right to Begin Treatment

Addiction can take many things away from a person: health, stability, the trust of loved ones, a sense of security and years of life that cannot be recovered.

It does not, however, have to take away the possibility of personal growth.

Nobody can guarantee that recovery will be easy. Not every relationship can be rebuilt, and not all the consequences of the past will disappear.

But the past does not have to become a sentence that determines the entirety of someone's future.

You do not have to deny your mistakes to stop defining yourself entirely by them. You do not have to regain everyone's trust before you can begin rebuilding trust in your own decisions. And you do not have to be a flawless person to accept help.

Sometimes the first step towards a new life is not the confident belief:

“I know I can do this.”

It is something much more modest:

“I don't yet know whether I can live differently. But I can try, and I can allow myself to accept help.”

That may be the beginning of genuine change.

MONAR Kębliny – Support for People Recovering from Addiction

If you are experiencing drug addiction, struggling to come to terms with your past or afraid that changing your life may be impossible, you do not have to face these difficulties alone.

Addiction treatment can involve not only working towards stopping substance use, but also addressing emotions, relationships, responsibility and the way a person perceives themselves.

MONAR Kębliny, a residential addiction treatment centre near Łódź, Poland, is a place where individuals can seek information about support for drug addiction and the possibility of undertaking treatment.

Find out more: MONAR Kębliny – Official Website

This article is provided for educational purposes and does not replace individual advice from an addiction therapist, psychologist or medical professional.

References and Further Reading

1. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) – About Recovery. Recovery principles, hope, personal agency, relationships and support.

2. Sibley, A. L., Colston, D. C., and Go, V. F. – Interventions to Reduce Self-Stigma in People Who Use Drugs: A Systematic Review. Journal of Substance Use and Addiction Treatment, 2024.

3. Galanis, C., et al. – Stigma in Substance-Based and Behavioural Addictions: A Systematic Review. Journal of Behavioral Addictions, 2025.

4. SAMHSA – Incorporating Peer Support Into Substance Use Disorder Treatment Services. Treatment Improvement Protocol (TIP) 64, 2023.